Twelve Talks to
Have With Teens
Boundaries
All relationships are defined by boundaries.
Determining healthy personal boundaries in relationships – with family, with friends, in dating relationships, etc. – and being able to communicate one’s boundaries is necessary throughout all stages of life.
Having open communication with your teen about your family’s boundaries as well as how they determine and communicate their boundaries in other relationships creates space to help teens navigate the process of developing healthy boundaries.
Family/Household Boundaries
According to the 2023 Healthy Kids Colorado Survey, youth who have clear family rules are less likely to use substances.
- Boundaries and expectations help create clarity as teens navigate adolescence.
- Families may need to discuss boundaries fairly often during the teenage years as people and relationships evolve and change.
- Boundary testing is normal during teen years. Setting and agreeing on boundaries creates a clear understanding of expected behavior, which can help avoid conflict.
Video - Learn strategies for managing conflict and setting boundaries with your teen.
Psychologist Clare Rowe discusses the causes of family conflict and how you can take active steps to minimise and manage conflict in the future.
Conversation Starters
Work with your teen to find a good time of day to have the discussion. Make sure you have plenty of time, you’re in a good mood and there has not been any recent, severe or unaddressed conflict. Minimize distractions or interruptions. Ideally, have a discussion with the whole family, or all people involved, present. During the conversation, aim to:
- Listen and respond to the teen’s concerns.
- Be clear and precise to ensure that there’s no miscommunication.
- Negotiate points that you disagree on, but be clear if there is something that is non-negotiable (and explain why).
- Remind them why you’re establishing boundaries together and reiterate your care and concern for them.
- Discuss what the consequences will be if the boundaries are not followed.
- Be clear that they have control over avoiding these consequences.
- If the conversation is turning into an unproductive argument, take a break and follow-up when things have cooled down a bit. Consider setting a specific time frame for returning to the discussion.
- Suggest a follow-up talk to cover other things that come up unexpectedly, or that don’t feel resolved.
With your teen, write down specific and clear boundaries. Also write down the consequences for not following these boundaries. Some ideas for discussion topics include:
- Letting you know where they are, who they are with, and when they will be home
- Having friends over or driving friends in their car
- Doing chores
- Attending family obligations or events
- Dating and sexual activity
- Using technology
- Viewing, sending, and/or receiving explicit content
- Setting expectations for school, such as attendance, grades, homework, not cheating or copying (or allowing others to use your work)
- Treating family members with respect, including any language/cursing rules
- Closing and/or locking doors, particularly their bedroom door
- Using, buying, and/or selling alcohol, vapes, and/or other drugs
- Having a party, with or without permission
- Driving and/or using your vehicles, getting parking or traffic tickets, and/or following rules for the graduated driver’s license
- Using firearms, explosives, or knives
- Shoplifting
- Following school rules, including not skipping class
Testing boundaries is normal behavior. When this happens:
- Remind your teen of your previous discussions and which specific boundaries were agreed upon.
- Ask them to identify how their behavior did or did not live up to their agreements.
- Cooperatively decide, if possible, on a consequence that fits the behavior, preferably based on your previous conversations about consequences.
Follow through on consequences.
- If there are possible/planned reductions in the consequence — perhaps as an incentive — these should be decided beforehand, NOT “sometime later.”
Ask yourself
What could you think through prior to discussing boundaries with your teen? If possible, discuss your thoughts with other involved adults to help minimize confusing, unclear or mixed messages for your teen.
- What are the most important boundaries?
- What are boundaries around technology, video games, and social media use?
- Which boundaries are negotiable, and which are not?
- What kind of consequences are we comfortable with? How might they backfire or be difficult to implement?
- When, how, and why do boundaries change?
Have you asked your teen what expectations they might have for you? Some boundaries could include: their privacy, and your interactions with their teachers, coaches, work supervisor, school, etc. Like the boundaries they agree to follow, it’s important that you stick to boundaries that you agree to uphold.
Have you asked for your teen’s feedback on your process of establishing boundaries? Young people are less likely to stick to boundaries that have been dictated to them without negotiation.
Here are some things to keep in mind when discussing and developing boundaries with your teen:
Alcohol and Cannabis
According to the 2023 Healthy Kids Colorado Survey, youth who have clear family rules are less likely to use substances.
- Talk with your teen about your family boundaries in your home when you are not there.
- Keep alcohol, cannabis, prescription drugs and firearms in a locked cabinet or in a locked room in your home.
- If adults in your home use alcohol and/or cannabis, make an agreement they will not provide alcohol and/or cannabis to anyone under 21. Also, track the amount kept in the house and let your teens know you keep track of it. Even if your teen would never take these items without permission, locking them prevents your teen’s friends, younger children, visitors to your home, and pets from accessing them.
Hopefulness, Coping, and Sources of Strength
- Avoid taking away your teen’s coping strategies as a consequence. For example, if your teen uses music to cope with a stressful day, do not take their ability to listen to music away from them as a punishment. Instead, consider working with your teen to do something to repair any damage done. This approach could also help them to make a positive contribution to the family your teen can feel good about.
- Make sure that teens in your life are able to tell you – and others – about their own boundaries and strengths.
Identity
- Ask your teen what boundaries they would like you, and other adults in their life, to follow related to their identity. These boundaries might include asking adults to respect pronouns, to refrain from comments about identity or gender, or to allow various forms of expression.
- Discuss your boundaries around use of slang or offensive terms and try to start an open dialogue about why you have these boundaries.
- Refrain from use of consequences that embarrass your teen or cause them stress, particularly if the consequences are related to identity (such as clothing selection, hairstyle, etc.).
Medicine Misuse
- Talk to your teen about their boundaries with friends and how they could refuse to share their medications if asked to share it. If they find it helpful, you might even invite them to blame YOU for being uptight about tracking their medication.
- Keep alcohol, cannabis, prescription drugs, and firearms in a locked cabinet or in a locked room in your home. Be sure to talk to anyone else staying in your home and/or adults in homes where your teen spends time (such as grandparents or co-parent’s homes) about doing the same.
Mental Health
- It is important to know, just like we are all different, therapists are all different too! You might not “click” with the first therapist you work with, and that is okay…try someone else! Are you wondering what starting therapy is like? Click here to find out.
Friends
- An important boundary can be knowing where your teen is and who they are with when they are not at home. Teens who report they have clear family rules are less likely to use alcohol and other drugs (HKCS 2023).
- If a teen does not seem interested in having friends or is spending time in isolation, ask about it. Losing interest in friends may indicate an issue, so it may also be helpful to also talk with their teachers, school counselor, and/or others about your concerns.
- If you are worried that your teen’s friend(s) may be a negative influence, share your perspective in a non-threatening way. Focus on concerning behaviors instead of the friend’s personality/character as a whole. For example, instead of calling a friend irresponsible, you could point out the irresponsible behavior, explain why it is concerning, and recommend ways to encourage healthy behavior changes.
- If you think your teen or their friends might be in danger, call 911 or seek out one of the “Help” resources on the Help and Resources page.
- Teens gathering is healthy; drinking while gathering is not. In Jefferson County, most teen drinking occurs at a party followed closely by an adult providing teens with alcohol at home and taking alcohol from an adult at home without their permission (Youth Town Hall 2024). Talk with your teen about your boundaries regarding drinking alcohol and having friends over when you are not home.
Dating
- The most important boundaries related to teen dating are the ones your teen has for themselves about what they do and do not expect from a partner. Be sure to ask your teen what their boundaries are. Verbalizing their boundaries will help your teen think through their own expectations of current or future partners.
- Are you meeting your teen’s boyfriends/girlfriends/partners and friends? Invite them to share meals or activities with you and other members of your family.
- Talk to your teen openly about boundaries related to dating and make sure they are both clear and fair. Boundaries related to dating are likely to change throughout the teen years.
- If you find out a teen is showing abusive behavior(s) toward their partner, call the behavior out for what it is and help them find alternatives to their behavior(s). Talk about what healthy relationships look like and how changing their behavior(s) will create a better, healthier relationship.
Overdose
- Talk to your teen about not taking anything that does not come directly from the store or pharmacy (prescribed to them), including vape pods, pills, powers, nasal sprays, or blotter paper (like acid).
- Talk to your teen about their boundaries with friends and how they could refuse to take something offered to them. What would they say? How would they say it?
- What do you want your teen to do if they or a friend have an emergency when they are breaking rules? Can they call you with a “pass” for not getting into trouble? Or is there another adult, whose number is in their phone, they can call?
Sex and Consent
- Let your teen know what your family, team, or organization rules are about touching another person’s private areas without permission, making comments about their body or sexuality, sending or requesting nude pictures, and sexual activity when intoxicated.
- Teach your teen how to access various types of physical and behavioral medical care, including access to birth control and other sexual health services, such as treatment for sexually transmitted diseases.
- According to the 2023 Healthy Kids Colorado Survey, 10.5% of Jefferson County high school students had a sexual experience where they were unsure if they gave their fully-granted consent to the other person. Talk to your teen about what it means to give and receive consent.
Vape and Tobacco
- Have a conversation with your teen to make sure you both know that the legal age to purchase tobacco products is 21.
- Familiarize yourself with your school’s Tobacco Free School (TFS) Policy. Make sure you and your teen both know and understand the consequences for being caught with these devices. Find Jeffco Public Schools’ TFS Policy here.
- Discuss your family rules and values regarding smoking and vaping with your teen.
- Let your teen know your boundaries regarding their friends vaping and smoking in your car or home.
Data included on this page includes:
Healthy Kids Colorado Survey 2023 (HKCS 2023)
Jefferson County Communities That Care Youth Town Hall 2024 (YTH 2024)
