Twelve Talks to
Have With Teens
Identity
Identity development is a central part of teen development.
Who am I? How do I fit in? What is my role? What do I believe in? These are all key questions teens are asking themselves. Important dimensions of identity formation include race, ethnicity, gender, and sexual orientation. Talking to an adult they trust can help teens form a positive sense of personal identity.
Adolescence is often the first time a person considers many of the dimensions of their own identity, including:
- Family
- Culture
- Race and Ethnicity
- Sexuality
- Gender
- Faith
- Social
Part of developing a strong sense of self is questioning values (including faith, politics, sexuality, and/or dating expectations), setting educational goals, deciding whether or not to use alcohol and drugs, and much more. It is normal for parents and caregivers to struggle with balancing setting healthy boundaries and empowering teens to develop their own set of values and sense of self.
Many teens use their body as a form of self-expression, which can include how they dress and use make-up, hairstyles or hair colors, jewelry, accessories, piercings, and tattoos. In some cases, these choices may challenge social or gender norms. While it is totally normal for parents and caregivers to sometimes find these experiments surprising and confusing, keeping your emotions in check in order to have a conversation about what the change means to your teen — and remaining curious about why they are expressing themselves in a particular way — can help you and your teen better understand their identity.
Adults can support their teen’s development of a positive sense of self by encouraging ongoing discussions and providing consistent support as they explore who they are and who they will become.
Jefferson County High School Age Youth
Jefferson County High School Age Youth
Seriously considered suicide:
Overall: 17%
Gay or Lesbian: 34%
Bisexual:
46%
Attempted suicide:
Overall: 7%
Gay or Lesbian: 18%
Bisexual: 19%
Video - Systemic Racism Explained
Open Ended Questions
Here are some open ended questions you can use to talk to your teen about identity:
- I am curious, what do you think people mean by identity??
- What do you think has the biggest impact on how you see yourself? What about how other people perceive you?
- How do you or your friends react to others in a way that is based on stereotypes?
- How do others react to you or your friends in a way that you think is based on stereotypes?
- What do you wish I understood better about you? What do you wish I knew about you?
- If there was one thing I could be more supportive about in your life, what would that be?
- What does diversity mean to you/your friends?
Conversation Starters
Bring up current events with your teen.
- Use what is happening in the world to begin a conversation about how they see themselves within the world.
Tell your teen stories about your family, your experiences, your history, challenges you faced, a time you stood up for yourself, etc. Ask to hear their stories
Notice your teen’s relationship(s) with adult role models. Role models can help teens imagine different roles or options for their future selves. You can ask open ended questions about who they see as role models. Ask what about their role model(s) is appealing to them and why.
Watch movies or shows with your teen that explore identity issues, including race, religion, gender, sexual identity, etc. Then talk about what you both thought about the movie. Some ideas are:
- This fun video is about increasing understanding of “they/them” pronouns.
- Ted Talk called Claiming Your Identity by Understanding Your Self-worth which uses poetry and statistics to discuss equity.
- A popular movie with teens about sexual identity is Love Simon
- Some discussion-provoking movies about race are The Hate U Give and The 13th.
- Or… ask your teen for a suggestion!
Ask yourself
What could you do to support your teen’s positive coping methods? Exploring who you are and what you value can be extremely stressful and anxiety provoking. One option is to help your teen (and you!) find coping strategies that work for you.
How might you demonstrate your respect for people who are different from you? One option could be building relationships with people who have different identities from your own. Respectfully ask open ended questions to learn more about how they experience the world.
What can you do to keep the conversations going?
- If your teen shares an identity you did not expect or may not support, try very hard to react calmly and just listen. If your initial reaction is negative, try to delay a deeper discussion until you feel calmer.
- Be open to your teen seeing things differently than you do. They are their own person so that might happen! Whenever possible, role model having curiosity about opinions that are different from your own.
- Key phrases to keep your teen talking about identity might include: “Tell me more;” “I hear you;” and “What else?”
- When your teen opens up to you, point out their courage and thank your teen for trusting you enough to share with you.
Data included on this page includes:
Healthy Kids Colorado Survey 2023 (HKCS 2023)
Jefferson County Communities That Care Youth Town Hall 2024 (YTH 2024)
